The Snack Bandit Strikes Again

One man. Two digestive systems (possibly 3), and Endless party snacks.

Every party has that one guest. Ours is a quiet guy we’ll call Merle—though around here, he’s better known as “The Snack Bandit”.

Merle doesn’t say much. He blends into the background like a decorative throw pillow. However - when the snacks come out? He transforms. If I had to use a comparison; I’d say he’s comparable to a racoon … raiding a midnight garbage can buffet with the stealth of a ninja and the appetite of a vacuum cleaner! I’ve seen him singlehandedly eat five foot-long hot dogs at a BBQ once. I observed him taking down a loaf of Italian bread like it owed him rent! His appetite is legendary. We’re convinced he has two digestive systems and a third one on standby!

With snacks, Merle never uses a paper plate at parties. He scoops chips, pretzels, peanuts or anything small like it - right into his hand and eats them one by one, hand clutched to his mid torso, like he’s guarding the last ration in a post-apocalyptic pantry. It’s not just a snack to him - it’s a mission.

My observant husband once joked, “If you put a bowl of dry cat food near him, I bet he’d eat it!” I reluctantly vetoed the experimental idea, but the theory carries on in my mind like a TV jingle from 1994 - uninvited, catchy, and permanently lodged in my brain. Every time Merle reaches for a handful of peanuts, my husband whispers, “Is this the day?”

Merle never notices. But we do. And we’re watching. Because when the snacks come out, so does The Bandit.

Snack Bandit Rating Scale™: How Bold Was the Grab?

Rating Description 🥄 1 Scoop Took chips. No plate. Possibly a bandit- like a racoon. ✋ 3 Palms Used hand-as-bowl. Guarded snacks like treasure. 🛒 5 Scoops & Side Stash Circled the snack table like a hawk.  🐾 7 Sneaky Paws Approached the snack table silently. Took food mid-conversation. Mistook the centerpiece for edible flowers. 🐉 10 Dragon Hoard Cleared the table. Left no survivors. Guests whisper his name. The cat food bowl was nearly breached.